you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Of course I have a pirate flag
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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