So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
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You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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