you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
