Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
