did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
