Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
