i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
