I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
