You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
