hotel room ftw
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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