Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
