That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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