was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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