this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
