Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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