Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
