So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
