I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I would fuck him just for his dog
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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