Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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