at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
