The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
