this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
