the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
