I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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