My friends, they love my intelligence
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we're so committed to being not committed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
