I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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