Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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