watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
