accomplished twins. life is a go
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
