my sisters under your porch take her home
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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