Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
there is glitter all over my balls
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