before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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