You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
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my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
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You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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