Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
