I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
