someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was like getting head from an anaconda
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
