The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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