i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
