God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Who died my cat blue again?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
