yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
