oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
