Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
