if you like me you must not know who I am
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
