Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
