textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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