so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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