So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
