Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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