Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Pooping to opera.
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