I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
