Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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