I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
