I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
