if i can run in heels then i can drive
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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