and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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