Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
